End of the challenge, but the beginning of so much more

Today is the end of our virtual yoga challenge. In some ways, I feel somewhat nostalgic about it, though I’m glad for Kath that it’s over.

Last year was about the “challenge” of doing yoga every day and making sure that I got “credit” for it.

This year was much different. This year was about rebuilding my practice, which had gone by the wayside. Some days, I was able to get up early and get in a very thorough practice. Other days, I was grateful to get into legs up the wall for 5 minutes!

I think the one thing I learned this year was that finding my breath — no matter what the pose — is what makes yoga transformational for me. It’s amazing how I can be so wound up that I practically have smoke coming out of my ears, but then after two minutes in child’s pose, I can again feel the breath moving in and out of my lungs.

What a gift this is.

Thank you, Kath!! I’m sure everyone had a wonderful time at the party tonight. I wish I could have been there, but I just couldn’t tear my legs from the wall.

Day 25: Building a Practice

Image by premasagar via Flickr

I think the most amazing thing to come out of this month is that people are starting to talk about “their practice” as something that they “have” or “own.”

If a person only does yoga once a week, and sometimes not even that, they don’t talk about “having a practice.” Instead, they talk about “practicing yoga,” or “doing yoga” but they don’t say “my practice” in that way that implies ownership.

“I have a practice,” is different from “I practice.” “I have a practice” means  I have built something up over time.  I have laid a foundation and I continue to add to it.  It means, “I am building the Taj Mahal.” It is going to take  22 years, and many postures and pranayams and many hours of sitting meditation to complete it, but I am committed to it and add a brick or a flourish to it each day.
When a person dabbles in yoga, they go hot and cold with it.  It’s like they really love it, the way they “love” a hot fudge sundae. “Oh this is SO GREAT!” they say, but then something distracts them, they walk away, and the sundae melts, and flies come and land on it, and ants crawl on it, and when they return they go, “Oh no! My sundae melted!”
No.  Duh.
So they go and make another one, and the same thing happens, and this goes on and on for years. They build it, and then they leave it to melt.
But the people who say, “I have a practice,” those people, if they find they have to skip a day or 2, before they put their mat away, they will carefully place their sundae in the freezer, cover it up so it doesn’t get ruined, and return to it quickly.  It might be a little on the hard side when they take it out, but within an hour or so it’s totally edible and delicious again.

The people who have built a practice with devotion and care and love, would never abandon their practice on the sidewalk. It’s too precious.  They make sure to keep it front and center in their consciousness even when they are not physically practicing, and at the very first opportunity, they come back and tend to it.
My Challenge yogarians recognize that a new practice is a very fragile thing.  And especially those who have been practicing more days than not. They are starting to become startled at the changes in themselves, and not just on the physical level.  They are marveling at their discipline.  Their practice is giving them a place to stand.
A yoga practice of a particular duration grows land under your feet. Acreage.  As it grows, you can grow a crop on it, or at the very least plant some petunias. It gives your life stability, a place to plant your feet, and launch many other endeavors: your art, your business, your family.
Having a practice allows you to stand on your own two feet. Having a practice gives you home ownership. And after many years, that home starts to resemble the Taj Mahal.

Day 24: Easter Sunday Yoga

Image by Reggie Rachuba via Flickr

Easter Sunday and I arrived at the studio not quite knowing what kind of class to lead: soft and meditative?  Strong and breathy?  A little of both?  During the centering I picked up a definite the “vibe” from my students.

How else to explain how I had a sequence in mind and even written down and then went totally off script?  This morning 9 people came and I wound up leading a version of the Meditative posture flow without the scissors and the standing poses. I never really got them off the floor, not even into a downward dog, which seems wrong, but that’s the way it rolled.  While blowing her nose in prep for kapalabhati, Noey cried, “There’s no Easter Bunny?”  It was hilarious.  She is hilarious.
I brought my bunny ears, and as I was waking them from savasana, I put them on, so when they got up they saw their teacher in bunny ears and laughed–at least the ones who were not blinded by the sunlight coming in the windows.
I blasted “Here Comes The Sun” as we exited, and a few of us stayed and danced around the yoga room in the bright Easter morning sun to the hope of the Beatles.
It was a sweet class.

Mornings and the third eye

So what it really boils down to is that I have to do my yoga in the morning. If I don’t, I struggle to fake my way through a few poses in the evening, and that is not my idea of yoga. Yesterday I joined Kath in the land of the tired (stayed up till 1am finishing an assignment that was hanging over me, and then the damn chickens woke me up at 6:30), and I was pretty fried by evening. Luckily I had cleared away the stuff that was preventing me from doing legs up the wall. Waiting for the kids to get their teeth brushed before bedtime, I scooched up against the wall and got into my favorite pose. Obviously sensing the immediate, positive change in my energy, Nadia and Luke snuggled up next to me and put their legs up the wall. They thought it was the funniest thing ever, that I could actually relax with my legs like that, and we all got a good giggle.

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This morning I had a hard time getting going. Woke up early to let the chickens out and then hit the yoga mat. (Luckily I was asleep by 10.) The brain monkeys were on overdrive. I am going through huge changes in my personal life right now that are causing me a ton of stress, and with everything else going on, I don’t get a whole lot of time to think about them quietly. So I just let the monkeys have at it for a good 20 minutes, until my foot fell asleep and I knew I had to get moving.

My intention today was me-love yoga. Not “I love yoga,” the way a two-year old would say it. Rather, it was giving me permission to indulge in a little self-love, because when your personal life is in shambles, one tends — or at least I tend — to have a lot of my self-talk be self-hate, self-loathing, self-I-can’t-believe-I’m-such-a-failure talk. Once I calmed the monkeys, I wanted to be nice to myself.

So I indulged. I luxuriated in the breath of wind reliever, in the stretch of the hamstring, in the opening of bridge. Still the monkeys chattered quietly, until the downward dog in the 3rd sun salutation. Something clicked — it’s hard to explain with words — and I connected with an inner power, an inner resolve. That inner strength completely, though temporarily, silenced the monkeys.

When I got into savasana, they started chattering again. Somehow the stillness told me to focus my breathing on my third eye. Shazam! Silence again. I haven’t been able to enjoy the solitude of savasana like that for, well, maybe since last year, the last time I attended Kath’s class? It’s been very long time.

I am grateful how stillness can be so empowering and so nourishing. It allows me to think, speak, and feel my truths. Namaste.

Morning Nutjobs

Nine people came out into the dark, cold rainy morning for the 6:15 class.

I am going to go out strong this week, so here is my first video commitment.  I hope to be a better blogger this week.

Enjoy!

Day 22: from the Land of Tired

(Disclaimer: This post was written before my nap. I am feeling much more sanguine now, but I thought I would post anyway to “keep it real. There was an article in the NYTimes this week that said that people who get 6 hrs sleep or less for 2 weeks in a row have the cognitive capacity of a person who is legally drunk. *hiccup*)

I write to you from the Land Of Tired.  I have been renting a place here for the past month, (I would never BUY in this neighborhood, godforbid!) and Shiva-be-praised my lease is up at the end of next week.  At that time I will move home to the Land of the Fully Rested, where I, and all of my fellow “resteds” are bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, creative, focused and happy.
The residents of the Land of Tired, are a pale, droopy-eyed race who slump around carrying cups of coffee and looking mean.  I thought I could sustain a bit of Bright-eyed-ness in their midst, but now I know that is totally impossible.  I am trying my best to fake it though, through the artistic (and ritualistic) use of under-eye concealer, a berry-colored lip gloss and a new kind of blush that adds an artificial “glow” to my wan cheeks.  Some people may be fooled, but by the end of the day, my “disguise” has rubbed off and I fall into my nightly wine glass, and then crash headlong into my pillow where my body rests deeply, but not for long.
The artificial birds who live in my Zen Alarm clock start chirping at 4:30 AM, and it is then that I begin repeating the morning mantra: “Feet on the floor, Feet on the floor,” until my body obeys.  I manage to clump down the stairs in the dark, dump kibbles into a dog dish and a cat dish, refill 2 water bowls and bless the invention of “Delay brew” as I pour my first cup and check the overnight doings on the internet.  By the time I get to the studio, I am more alert as the result of the coffee and a bit of pre-performance adrenalin, and greet my students as they stumble in either pretending “cheerful” or just quiet, and I proceed to lead them into their day.
Today was, (and still is), Day 22.  A week from tomorrow it will be over (kinda).  It’s never really over, as I am teaching morning yoga all summer, but not EVERY SINGLE DAY.  And not 3 classes a day.  And the weekends are totally FREE. And I am taking a whole week off towards the end of the month to celebrate my homecoming to the Land of the Rested.
But what astounds and appalls me is how many permanent, life-long residents this land houses!  Just like people who marvel that I could possibly have tolerated living in Mansfield all these years, with its lack of culture and its depressing architecture and no place to buy quality comestibles, I ask the same question of these Land of the Tired residents: How can you stand to live in these conditions?  Don’t you know there are much nicer places to live? Places where the sun shines and bluebirds sing, even in the winter? And where rainbows appear even when it hasn’t rained? And where every child has a pet unicorn and a lollipop? Don’t you realize that there is a place where people work hard, but still have some juju left over at the end of the day to meet their friends for drinks, or go to a concert, or even (gasp) read a book or work on their Crane pose? Yeah! I live in that place!  It’s the Land of the Rested and there is lots of cheap real estate for sale there!  The only stipulation is, you have to get 8 to 9 hours sleep every night, or else you get evicted.  If you are caught yawning or slurping down double-espressos in the middle of the day, or you have to apply a second layer of concealer under your baggy eyes mid-afternoon, they won’t renew your lease.
I pine for home.  This is no way to live.  There is a meanness to this world, and I can’t deal with it.  And it becomes especially intolerable when something like a gas well explodes and spews toxic waste all over the place, thus pulling me into an even stronger death-wish vortex.  I begin circling the drain, flailing my arms, calling on friends, and evoking any vivid memories left over from days of living sane in the Land of Rested to help me to remember that this is not how it has to be, and to give me courage to not succumb to the Sewer of Despond.
It’s hard.  I’m thinking this might be what it’s like to go to Africa for the Peace Corps. You know you are doing a noble thing, but holy shit, you can’t do it for long before you become totally wasted in your reserves.  Because even though for the residents it’s their only world, and the only way of life they have ever known, YOU know that there is a paradise that’s a mere 14 hours of plane ride away.  And this paradise knows you, awaits you, is ready to enfold you, has set the table for you, has poured the wine and washed the sheets and needs you to come home, come home to your best self, and not be this shell of a you that you are now.
That’s how I am today.  Totally and utterly homesick.

2 Peace

Greetings, my lovely sisters … I have been thinking about you a lot and still feeling connected to you despite not posting here on the site. I have done yoga every day – 20 days in a row thus far (I have not yet yoga-ed on this 21st day, but plan to as soon as I wrap up this post because I am OFF WORK for FIVE DAYS!!! Hallelujah!!! Still, much to do-jah with the holiday hoopla, but at least I am HOME).

Most of my recent work-outs have been short and easy, but, still, I FEEL the CONNECTION and it HELPS me so so so. It has been difficult to post because I have still been yogaing at the bare ass-end of the day (altho, yes, I am clothed) and I simply don’t have the desire to get back onto the computer (icky technology screws up my yummy Om feely). And, with work as busy as it has been lately, time to post during the day has been nearly impossible.

Still, though, I have my little – but BIG – all-important connections like YOGA, little dashes of inspirational reading (I’ve been receiving Brian Johnson’s daily, short “Philosopher’s Notes” e-inspirational essays), and MUSIC (thanks Kath for the post about “One Love Chant” – I went to their site and listened over & over to their music – via my Mac and ear buds during a couple stressful mornings at work recently … LOVE that group!!! OmMG!!!).

Anyway, a couple things have come to my mind as of late:

1) It’s interesting how last year I felt uber-committed to posting every day. It was important to me to “report in” and “be accountable” to others involved in the process. This year, I’ve just been reporting in to myself and being accountable to just me. And, surprisingly to me, just my own personal accountability has been enough. I’ve always wanted to “be there,” but have never quite been able to maintain that for too long. However, now, I’ve “clicked over” into that mode. As well, due to the stress of this month, I’ve been super-aware of the importance of sssssssssssstretching at the end of the day. It is the perfect way to release the day and tuck myself into bed. O. The. Joy.

That being said, I’ve still gained a lot of inspiration and support from YOUR posts, so, I still do think it’s important to keep-the-connection to each other going. You each have sent gifts of inspiration to me through your posts (thank you for being so helpful!). So, I am aware that I also need to do my part in keeping the connection and sharing the inspiration and support.

2) Brian Johnson’s recent short essay titled “The Equanimity Game” also gave me some swift kick-in-the-butt inspiration (kickbuttspiration??). He quoted Roman emperor and philosopher Marcus Aurelius: “When force of circumstance upsets your equanimity, lose no time in recovering your self-control, and do not remain out of tune longer than you can help. Habitual recurrence to the harmony will increase your mastery of it.” And Johnson translated: “When you find yourself off balance and life has kicked you in the butt, see how fast you can get back in balance. The more you practice this, the better you’ll get.” Pure. Simple. True. I’ve been embracing the importance of this equanimity a lot lately – and achieving it. It feels good and WHOLEsome.

To end, I’m sharing this photo of me, taken by one of my colleagues at work. This wasn’t taken this year, but basically I look the same and I have the same camera (altho I also have a Nikon!). (Side note: I work on a college campus and have the glorious blessing of capturing stories – written and visual. When I’m not sitting at my desk, straining over a keyboard and gazing into my Mac monitor, I haul a big heavy camera bag around – ooooo la la – my shoulders, back and legs are all feelin’ it this month! The end-of-academic-year pressure is full-on!)

Anyway, I flash the “peace sign” a lot. This time, by chance, I was standing outside of the #2 paint booth in our collision repair lab. My coworker didn’t intend to capture all that is going on in this photo – it was just one of those synchronistic moments. Don’t you love the “2 Peace” positioning?! I also dig the elements of the “Danger” signs. When I think about the “supplied air respirator” and “full protection suit” warnings, I think about … our Yoga. It provides it all, doesn’t it? The supplied air respirator. The full protection suit. Aaaaaaaahhhhh, it’s the clearest path 2 Peace.

me at work

Up against the (invisible) wall

You know that feeling where it’s as if your lungs are about the size of a sugar cube, because you’re running around like crazy and not taking the time to just breathe? Yeah, that feeling. Yesterday I specialized in that feeling. It was one of those exhausting, drag-a-long, OMG-is-it-bedtime-yet kind of days. No yoga until late, at which point I was absolutely craving legs up the wall, one of my favorite rejuvenating poses that Kath taught me many years ago.

The problem was, I still have a full house (which is going to get even fuller on Thursday), and I couldn’t get to my “wall” where I usually do the pose. But then I thought, what if I just pretend to put my legs against a wall? So I lay down on my back — in bed — and put my legs into the air. It worked! Immediately, I felt most of my tension release. I couldn’t hold it very long, because my legs got all shaky, but it definitely worked some magic. That was my yoga for the day, and it served its purpose.

This morning was my early day, and I woke up at 4:45 knowing that if I tried to sleep for 15 more minutes, I would regret it, so I got up to do some yoga. I seem to be getting stuck in a rut where I do yoga longer than I intend to (but I can think of worse ruts to be in.) Having learned my lesson the other day, I did some warm-ups, then two suns, and ended with pigeon, which was requested like an old radio tune by my stiff hips.

I can’t believe that it’s already April 19. Only 11 days left to the challenge! Once again, Yogamama, you have gotten me into a wonderful, healing habit, certainly as important as any nutritional choices I could make. I just feel sorry for the people around me, lol.

Fleeting moments

Is it me, or does yoga time always fly by? Sitting in lecture for my CNL class is just torture because time drags so slowly, but with yoga, I barely blink, and then I have to stop.

This morning I got up thinking I had time for about 20 minutes of yoga. Not much, but better than nothing. Forty minutes later, I was so bummed that I couldn’t keep going, but the kids were getting hungry for  breakfast.

Because the sun was finally shining, I decided to start with suns, but I was so stiff and unlimber that I stopped and just got on the floor to do Kath warm-ups (wind, hamstring, etc.). Oooooohh, those twists felt so good that I ended up incorporating several into my practice. I could just feel all those toxins squeezing out of my liver and kidneys. Incidentally, when I returned to doing a few more suns, they felt ever so much better.

Now the kids are at Grandma’s, so I can do yoga as long as I want tomorrow.

Day 14: A little wilted around the edges

Oh my. So long since I posted. And here we are, Day 14 of the Challenge.  Tomorrow is the halfway point (and tax day!)

I am feeling a little wilted around the edges. Today I taught 4 classes: 6:15 AM, noon at MU, 5:30 and 7 PM.  Everybody apparently had a “Let’s go to Yoga tonight” idea at 5:30 and my class was packed!  (god, I love a packed house. I really feed off the vibe of a lot of people breathing and moving and connecting to spirit. Wo.) But it is also intense with that many people in the house. I could barely move among them.

One of my students said to me the other morning after class: “It must be such an honor and and a privilege to watch people lying in savasana.”  And I thought to myself: This woman totally gets it about yoga.

It IS a privilege and and honor to hold the space for people to let go into their deepest selves. I wish all of my students could take my seat on occasion and see what I see, and feel what I feel, when I am guiding people into their bodies. It’s a miracle. And a privilege.

So you wanna hear a cool story?

I booked a Kirtan band into the studio last Saturday.  When the woman from One Love Chant called and asked if I would like to host them a few months ago, my gut response was: YEAH!!  KIRTAN! BHAKTI YOGA! Yesss!

But then I thought about my people.  Yeah, I dig kirtan, but would they? I took a chance.  The band cost $300.  I lose money in April on the Challenge but I thought I could sell 30 tickets at $10 a pop and make back the investment.

I tried to generate interest, but only 3 people bought tickets.  I was worried that no one would show up, and had visions of this very cool band out of Ithaca showing up with their digeridoos and all their instruments and only 3 people in the audience to do “responses” to their “calls.” How embarrassing.

So I decided not to charge.  Free concert! Come! Bring your friends!  And the day I decided not to charge, I got a teaching gig at MU for double what I paid for the band.  Man.  The universe provides when you are generous, no?  Love that!

And the concert was awesome! 25 people showed up and sang and danced and frolicked about and were deeply touched. (Bhakti yoga is the quickest path to god, btw.)

At one point I found myself sitting there looking around the studio at the people singing, and marveling at what I was seeing: Here I was, in Mansfield, PA, singing “Sita Ram, Sita Ram, Sita Ram, Jai Sita Ram” with 25 people who regularly practice yoga but who had never in their lives done Kirtan or a deep bhakti practice.

I felt proud of myself and the work I have done in this town that night.

I don’t “make a living” teaching yoga; I just make the rent.  But I have made make a very nice life for myself, and that life is good and sweet, and I think it helps people navigate the rocky shoals of their lives in some way that only they understand.

I felt so grateful on Saturday night, and proud of my students.  The band, too, who I forewarned that they were playing to “Kirtan newbies”, was flabbergasted.  They loved being here; they loved the vibe, and my people loved all over them after the concert and bought their CDs and stayed and talked to them late into the night.

After they left, I was glad to return to just my classes and not have to focus on attendance at the Kirtan.

And now I must go to bed. But before I go, Thank you to Capalove and all the commenters who said that some of their fondest yoga memories were of practicing with me at MSY. I work everyday to try to be worthy of your love and support.

Namaste.